HW-19 Big Paper #1 Comments

Marco,

I think what you have is still rough. Being that I have been reading the same books, and taking the same course as you, I know what you are trying to say. I would recommend that you cut down on your repetition and try to be more brief in making your points.

I understand what you are trying to say, but I had to read many of your sentences a bunch of times before I could really cut to the core of what you meant.

"The Feed corporation would send advertisements directly into people's brains so that they couldn't get away from them, those people bought the products that were advertised, the corporations then advertised other products based on what they bought. This way teens bought what was advertised to them and what was advertised to them was based on what they bought, naturally those teens will end up buying the same things."

I copied in the above sentence to show you specifically what I mean by repeating yourself. I see that you were trying to talk about the "Feed marketing cycle", where consumers buy products, than the distributors use the data of what was bought to advertise certain products, and than to complete the cycle, consumers would generally buy what was most advertised on the Feed.

Something along the lines of the alternative to your original sentence that I wrote above, would shorten your sentence, and also make your point understandable to someone from outside of our course.

I think you have a really good first product here Marco. Making revisions here and their, cutting down sentences and rephrasing key parts is all it will take you to go from this post now, to a final product by friday. Add on another paragraph or two, and you'll be done.

Stay ^

Jake F.


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Henry,

For a rough draft, this is really concise. Your direct tone and clear points gave you a strong voice that broke through the paper, and to the reader. I feel like you have a few things to work on though.

I did like your paper, but I dont think your points were backed up by diverse sources. Actually for the most part, you didn't really use sources, but hypothetical situations and assumed statistics.

By the time you complete your final paper, I would recommend keeping the basic structure you have now, but instead of saying "I" or "You", put in actual evidence. The problem with using I and You, is that you take away credibility from your paper.

Don't get me wrong. Your rough draft was really interesting, and I liked it a lot. If the assignment was to write an opinion paper, than you would definitely be on target to having a final draft right here. Buttt, because its a research paper, I would consider taking out some of your opinion, and putting in more evidence (Feed, EBiGFY).

If you really want to maintain that opinionated tone your paper has, try using your own blog as evidence, and yourself as well. You did this a little bit with the "Xbox" example, but try adding in your "Self experiment" or the surveys, and see how that works.

Anyway good luck, and make sure you don't lose your voice between this draft and your final.

Stay ^

Jake F.